b e t t e r

family

FAST FACT: Statisticians estimate that

80-90 percent of American adults have

one or more sibling.

W HEN TO SAY WHEN

That’s not to say every set-to should

go unanswered. Parents should stay

back during most sibling spats, but

you need to step in and break it up

when there’s a real fear of violence,

or severe emotional harm. And even

then, issue appropriate punishments

to both instead of pointing the finger

at just one of them, advises Ellen

Chute, a relationship expert from

Farmington Hills, Michigan.

If this seems unfair to you, think

back to your own childhood: Do

you recall anyone ever being truly

blameless in sibling spats? There

was always culpability to share.

The best thing to do in such cases

is separate everyone and let things

cool down.

MAKE A MODEL

Another imperative for guiding

children toward close sibling

connections is for you to model

ideal behavior in your own

personal relationships.

Be it marriage, friendship, or a

sibling of your own, exhibit respect,

mutual regard, and the ability to work

out conflict, advises Donna Tonrey, a

family therapist in Philadelphia.

With your own siblings, iron out

any kinks from over the years so you

not only benefit from that relation-

ship yourself, but can show your own

kids that friends may come and go,

but sibling connections are for life.

THE REWARD

When you actually see a moment

that proves your children have

reached adulthood liking each other,

admiring each other, protecting each

other, and supporting each other, it

creates one of those intense feelings

that is in the same category as the

first time you fell in love with them

as babies, or the first time you

watched them sleep resting against

each other. It’s a moment we live for.

Braiding Bunches

Blended families have it especially hard building sibling binds, with different houses, different ground rules, and a new adult to reckon

with. But it’s by no means a lost cause. Sarah Fink saw that firsthand when her parents divorced when she was 15. Sarah is part of a

real-life Brady Bunch, with a mixture of siblings from different backgrounds—she grew up with two sisters, two half-brothers, and three

step-sisters. “It was tough at first,” says Sarah, of West Bloomfield, Michigan. “Our parents stepped in and it really helped. They gave us

money to do something as a group—movies, bowling the fair—and off we’d go. It helped us develop relationships with one another

that were solid. Now we’re all out of the house, but we are so close—we have relationships on our own, and I’m sure it’s because of

our parents.” Researchers say several factors contribute to close step-siblings:

FR EQ U EN T CO N TACT

A lot depends on court-

mandated parenting

time, but try to

schedule daily time

together, even just half

an hour, to establish

familiarity.

SH A R ED

EX P ER IEN C ES

Family vacations,

day trips, and weekend

excursions help

cement relationships,

especially those that

need a little extra help.

A CALM FAM ILY

SITU ATIO N

Family meetings are a

great tool for creating

cohesion. If conflicts

arise, discuss it openly

at a weekly family

meeting when everyone

has cooled down and

gained perspective.

P ER C EIV ED EQ U ITY

FROM PA R EN TS

If you’re going to buy

your own kid a new car,

you should plan to do

it for your step-child.

The same goes for

expectations—don’t

make one kid work

after school if the other

gets to watch TV and

chat with friends.

K EEP CO M PARISO N S

TO YO U RSELVES

As with biological

siblings, never compare

one to the other. Each

child has his or her

own strengths.

2 6 4

OCTOBER 2009 BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS

PHOTO: VEER